This stuff is painful. Gaining 50 lbs in six months has depleted the image of who I thought I was. Losing the affirmation of a friend whose opinion I worshiped also helped crush my ego a little more. Having a lot of change occur in addition didn’t help.

All these things are terrible, dramatic and painful – but they will give rise to a rebirth. I’ve glimpsed who I was through these past months and I’m not sure that version is worth clinging to anymore.

I want to know how to let go

Posted on | December 2, 2011 | No Comments

“The only thing I ever let go of had claw marks on it.” -Anonymous

I’ve been carrying emotional baggage around for years.

I’m fat because I have infected thinking. I have several long-held resentments that I have not let go of. I’m sometimes able to stop thinking about them less often and that is when I lose weight. Then, inevitably I return to the thoughts like old, comfortable sweatpants. I slip them on like nothing happened and start putting weight back on.

HOW DO I LET THEM GO? NO, I MEAN REALLY, TRULY COMPLETELY LET THEM GO? I don’t want them anymore. I’m just not sure how to do it.

Ideas?

Duh Duh Depression

Posted on | November 21, 2011 | 1 Comment

It is without a doubt, time to grieve. I’m laying down the sugar, the flour and the large quantities of food. I’m 178 pounds. I’ve weighed 262 and 126 pounds in the past so this is not my first rodeo.

Worse still is my declining mental and emotional well being. Showering is again a chore. Brushing my teeth is an annoying requirement I have to do to interact with humans.

I just keep eating, shopping and self-soothing, trying to avoid the inevitable, deep-as-the-ocean grief that I’ve run from my whole life.

This time things are a little different because I don’t have anything left in my arsenal. My mom isn’t speaking to me. My husband works 7 days a week. I have very few friends left. There just isn’t much more to fixate on. Don’t get me wrong I’m an addict so I could probably find another hit off something ( it’s been a while since I smoked crack, maybe I’ll revisit it) BUT the real issue is that it has all stopped working. Nothing seems to numb me anymore. There is always a fragment of my mind keenly aware of itself. It dies not let me dilute completely.

So here I am. Naked and unsure, stepping into the light of faith. Asking G-o-d for help. Please Father will you help me????

Enter title here

Posted on | November 15, 2011 | No Comments

I weigh 168 pounds.
My hair is brown.
I hate to lose anything.
I fear getting angry.
I love to ask for help.
I hate accepting it.
I was born a sensitive, victim.
I am selfish and self-centered.
I am addicted.

Lack of Love

Posted on | October 25, 2011 | No Comments

Food has been the perfect substitute for lack of love. I’m not sure if there is a real lack of love, or just an inability to let it in as it’s given to me. There are plenty of friends, a loving husband, a wonderful daughter. But I want my mommy and daddy’s love and that is not present. Does this mean that I will live the rest of my life unsatisfied because it’s not the love I specifically want? I will not ever be satisfied because I only want love from people who can’t give themselves fully to me.

What is wrong with me?

Monthly Weigh-In

Posted on | September 1, 2011 | No Comments

152.0 lbs.

14 days

Posted on | August 14, 2011 | No Comments

I’m doing better. I can tell I’ve lost some weight and I feel super crazy, so that means that I’m not eating McDonalds anymore. I have 14 days of no sugar, no flour and weighing and measuring my food.

Life is okay, but I do feel crazy.

Thats all. For now.

9 days

Posted on | August 9, 2011 | No Comments

Sometimes I think giving birth was easy compared to getting my abstinence back, and I delivered a 9.5 lb baby. I have 9 days today of no sugar, no flour and weighing/measuring my food. Here is what my feelings have been like the last 9 days:
hopeful
sad
elated
suicidal
numb
distant
comforted
hopeful

At least the feelings are passing. My eyes are swollen from crying yesterday and that is a good thing. Crying is always good for a food addict because it means I’m not eating. Its actually what I would call a tool for not eating. Here are some others I’ve used:

sugar-free Rockstars
exercise
meetings with other addicts
fellowship (time spent with other addicts who understand)
shopping
telephone calls
quiet time
reading the AA big book every night
getting on my knees in the morning and asking G.o.d for help
doing the same at night, thanking G.o.d for keeping me abstinent
getting in the fetal position in my bed in the middle of the day

I’m doing whatever it takes. And today I have 9 days.

Change

Posted on | August 3, 2011 | 1 Comment

When I was bingeing and depressed, I would sit at my desk and stare at my empty hummingbird feeder. I now have three days of abstinence from sugar, flour and bingeing. I look out my window and realize there are all these birds! G.o.d is here. He is on my side.

The thing I miss the most

Posted on | July 27, 2011 | No Comments

My daughter.

I felt an overpowering urge to go and get her from preschool and be with her. I realized that I miss her terribly, not because she is at school, but because the food and the disease of addiction has separated us.

The more I give into my addictive urges, the further away she feels to me. I am so sad. I don’t want this but I don’t think I can stop eating.

I’m not sure what to do.